And Mother Holle likers her wool from the African dromedary

Life is full of little disappointments, and last night’s Eurovision Song Contest was no exception.

I’ve grown quite fond of Eurovision in the last couple of years. A chance to get together, get drunk, and spend some quality time laughing uproariously at some of the worst music and worst costuming choices to come out of Europe since the invention of lederhosen.

The first problem that arose last night was my fellow audience members. Or the lack of them. It is bad enough being the only one in my household not getting some regular good lovin’ – must they rub it in my face by failing to come home on such a regular basis?

So I had one other person to watch Eurovision with, and his heart wasn’t really in it. Besides which, he doesn’t drink. I respect that, but the problem is that Eurovision is best watched while drunk, and getting drunker. And getting drunk by yourself just smacks of sadness and incipient alcoholism, which means I was sober too.

I still managed to burn the popcorn.

Then there was the commentary. I’m normally a fan of SBS’s Des Mangan, who brings his own brand of impish perversity to a Monday night movie. Unfortunately he confined himself to commenting in-between the songs, and the last thing you want to do in Eurovision is actually listen to the music.

The British commentary used to screen in Australia, courtesy of Terry Wogan. Terry used to comment all through every performance, and as the evening progressed he would get increasingly drunk and increasingly bitter. By the time it got to the voting at the end of the night, Terry would have worked his way up to a state of outrage over the habit of neighbouring or allied countries to vote for each other. Because preserving the integrity of the Eurovision voting process is vital. Des was just altogether too respectful to be fun. However I have found that the British version will be screened on SBS at 12.30 on 31 May.

To really understand the essence of the Eurovision Song Contest, and why drunkenness is an integral part of the experience, you have to understand the music. To which end, I bring you the lyrics of Austria’s Alf Poier. Please note that Alf looked and sounded like a guest star on The Wiggles. He also came sixth.

Man is the measure of all things

I like most animals on this earth
But I really prefer little rabbits and bears

Soon all birds and beetles will die
But Adam's in bed with Eve busy reproducing

Rabbits live in the woods
Cats in the meadows
And cockroaches
Live under tiles

Little rabbits have short noses
And kittens soft paws
And Mother Holle likes her wool
From the African dromedary

The difference between animals such as apes and primates
Is no bigger than between noodles and pasta

But whoever wants to know more about animals should study Biology or inform
himself on my homepage

Some animals have wings
And others have fins
Some live outdoors
And others in cans

Small rabbits . . .

Music can touch your heart and change your life. Or so I'm told.