Lessons learned, weekend 16-17 April

Scenario:
A friend has invited you to join her evening of fun with friends of hers you don’t know. They are going on the Moonlight Bus, a double-decker bus that takes you around pubs and clubs, with free alcohol on the bus and cheap alcohol at all venues.

Important tips:
1. Face it Marissa, you are far too old for the Moonlight Bus.
2. See point 1.
3. Re. points 1 and 2, 18-year-old guys now look to you as if they are 12.
4. Re. point 3, you probably won’t feel sexy in a Demi Moore kind of a way when one of these pre-pubescent Casanovas stumbles, stares, and mumbles, “you’re a really hot chick”.
5. When a spilled drink causes you to slip over on the dance floor, slamming both shins into the floor and causing considerable and lasting bruising, your companions are by this time too drunk to notice that you are kneeling in stale beer with tears of pain streaming down your face. This is a bit depressing.
6. If attempting to address points 1 through 5 with the excessive consumption of alcohol, be prepared to wake up the next morning to the consequences of some fairly uncharacteristic behaviour.
7. See point 1.

Lessons learned, weekend 9-10 April

Scenario:
A work friend has invited you to spend the weekend in a NSW town with friends of hers and her husband. Let’s face it, they’re setting you up.

Important questions to ask first:
1. Is the fact you are being set up known by, not only the guy in question, but all the other guys there?
2. Will the day’s drinking commence at 10 am?
3. Will the weekend’s activities consist of spending seven hours (no exaggeration) in the RSL, drinking continuously and betting on horses?
4. Will another guy in the group think it appropriate to compliment your ‘nice pair’ and repeatedly invite you to “get nuuuude”?
5. Will the guy you are being set up with be so traumatised by your friend’s husband announcing to the group, despite the fact that you've barely spoken to each other, that the two of you “are gonna go home, they’re gonna go home, an’ make love, ‘s gonna be beau’ful”, that he stays as far away from you as possible?
6. Will a drunk, fat, hairy man wearing only a tiny pair of red jocks make repeated attempts to get into your bedroom to find somewhere to sleep?
7. Will the group, having ceased drinking at around 5.30 am, commence drinking again at 9 am?

If the answer to any of these questions is ‘yes’, DON’T GO!